First off, let me state that the title of this post is just for fun with the old pastiche titles. The movie was disappointing. Conan, as played by Jason Momoa, I really enjoyed.
Finally saw it tonight.
Pretty much what I expected and how I expected to feel about it. I did really enjoy Jason Momoa as Conan - far more accurate than Schwarzenegger ever was.
The young Conan stuff was great. After that - not so much. Way too much riffing off other fantasy tropes. I don't mind pastiche, I can take pastiche if I can't get Robert E. Howard, but I need good pastiche that feels like Conan's world, not some other place. I want a story of Conan in Hyboria, not some run of the mill fantasy riff. The story was far too loose.
The opening narration was far too similar to Lord of the Rings. They damn near lost my attention right off the bat.
I could make a list, but let's just say one other thing that got to me - and I don't know if it's been riffed on much - was the sorcery. The Sand-Dead-Warriors whatever the heck they were. Hyborian sorcery should be treacherous, black candles, chambers in the bowels of the earth, flitting shadows. That 'spell' was pure The Mummy meets Jason and the Argonauts.
I would enjoy Momoa as Conan in a tighter, more faithful story.
Current box office numbers might mean that is a pipe dream.